If I Could Have , Should Have, Would Have ...

There are so many things that I wish I could have changed but just did not know how.

I could have let by gones be by gones with each of my children's mothers and taken the higher road. I could have tried to make each of them understand that in my heart there was true love for you but the only way that I knew how to love was to express it physically.

I did not know how to emotionaly connect. A simple holding of the hand, walk in the park, pick you up like a child and give you a great big hug...something you may not have recieved from your own dad. If only I had known.

If only my inner fortitude matched my physical stature. I was a big man. No one told me that a big man could cry and be volunerable. That a big man knows how to humble himself for the sake of the family. That's true strength, that is a true big man. Know one told me that this big man could seek the help of a counselor to help work out my problems. I thougth by joining the Navy and later becoming a Police Officer that I would become a true man, but as fine as these two entities were, each brought out only the physical sense of manhood. A definition of manhood that did not connect with the spiritual or emotional side of these precious wounded women. I am sorry I did not heal your wounds or mine.

Had I known the damage that laid wait, I would have fell to my knees and begged God to erase the hurt, the pain, the destruction. But like far too many, I choose to self medicate to forget all my troubles and trials. Again I say I am sorry to each of my Black Queens. You are a Queen.

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